being a father changed me and then losing a baby changed me again
throughout it all, the questions about God and "why are we here" + "how did we get here" never ceased; I still don't have answers
and sometimes this frustrates me
and sometimes this motivates me
and sometimes this crushes me
perhaps others can relate, perhaps not
everything I do, at its root, is about finding Peace with God, in whatever form that might take, even if there is NO GOD
I still try to find, and make, some peace with the concept
all my years buried in books were all attempts to find "resonance" (somehow) with emotions and imagery "in my head"
why does this picture keep coming to me ??
what does it mean? does it mean anything, important? how can I ever possibly find out?
would my life have been more "productive" or more entertaining had I not spent such a large part of it on this "quest"?
but it is what was within me
and it has really been "my life"
and all the dead ends and "false positives" and mistake after mistake after mistake trying to identify and map "past lives", a long winding road on which I sail along, with no engine waiting for another stiff wind to carry me further
all part of my pursuit of some form of "certainty" as to who we are and where we come from
being a psychic means nothing -- it is a job, like being a waiter or driving a truck
the pursuit of the truth "behind" being intuitive, though, (to me) means everything
being psychic "enough" to make money at it and get some attention is a by-product, an after thought
figuring out where we came from, even though I still have no idea, is where (for me) #it all started
it is what drives me
and it is largely unconscious
and, as such, I am often hopping from place to place trying to "figure things out"
no different at 65 than at 24, still the same
and all I've learned (and I've learned plenty) is still not enough to answer my questions
hash tag #seeker