I realize more and more that everything I've done, every job, every dark alley, every night of love or pain every day in every city, farm field or freeway . . . all of it

a pursuit of some type of relationship to Death; stories always about how to live knowing you'd die someday -- a theme that walked close by to me maybe more than most, certainly kicked down by seeing my father die right in front of me when I was 22, seeing my beautiful little baby delivered stillborn in themiddle of the night

seeing my hott 22 year old girl friend go into the student health clinic, with a "stomach virus", only to be rushed off to a hospital with terminal leukemia

every event a shattering of multiple lives, but most assuredly a shattering of my own

always death whispering something; being a psychic, especially one so focused on "past lives" (death's second or third or more "act")

even being an actor . . . or poet or any of the other mad pursuits to meld words and structure into "something"
it's all about making up a palatable story about Death

and, seeing IT standing there, knowing how to

. . . live
​
‪#‎mytruth‬

​Nikki Giovanni was like a second mother to me; we loved each other and that's no joke

I sat in awe of Mark Strand, later the Poet Laureate of the United States -- so smart, so good looking, drinking Irish Whiskey with him, because he drank it . . . sitting in his office talking about the Gnostics

when I thought about who I wanted to "be" the face that popped in my head in my late 20's was Mark -- the ultimate stud poet :)

so sad to know he died just a few years ago; he was TRULY one of a kind !!

I met Czelaw Milosz, winner of the Nobel Prize, and you could call him up anytime you wanted because his phone number was in the Berkeley phone book . . I have met other writers over the years, too

but the one who made an impression unlike any other -- and I only saw him speak the one time and was unable to get near enough to talk with him

was the late master Jorge Luis Borges, who gave a reading at Ohio State back in the early 80's, shortly before he died

. . . this was a man with "an aura", like a God

so kind, so humble . . . yet touched by Heaven -- really sort of an amazing experience, thinking back on it 30 plus years ago

Sanaya Roman was also this type of "experience for me" -- because she was also truly unique; a gift when I needed her

but Nikki and Mark were super important to me, in ways that are very unique, as well . . . I would have to say that these two made the greatest impression on me of anyone I've ever met -- and I have met a LOT of unique amazing people over the years !!

Nikki because I loved her for who she was and what she shared with me

I felt special knowing this magical famous woman saw me as magical and special, too

and Mark Strand -- what can I say; you had to have seen him in action when he was in his late 40's, so smart, movie star good looking, truly a dude who had it "goin' on"

but Mr. Borges; he was special in a way hard to describe

there are "auras" and there are GIANT AURAS; he was (and will probably always be) a GIANT :)

‪#‎wordsmatter‬
​
‪#‎MarkStrandRIP‬

I sit here contemplating what I have "learned" over the years about "manhood" -- kind of an interesting subject for a man known universally now as a friend and champion of the UNICORN :)

and so putting the glitter down just for a second

I want to explore this hokey pokey balance between sensitive New Age guy and amped-up hyper testosterone-junkie badass . . . an interesting walk, indeed, along some ill-defined ledge

first off -- breaking stereotypes is always kind of "complicated" space in which to find one's self

since I look like one group and talk like another one . . . this often serves as a entry ticket towards alienating all groups but yet somehow I have found some way of slipping through this giant cognitive and rhetorical chasm

towards some semblance of magic

again, those who walk on slippery slopes are always at risk of falling off the cliff

but the view is pretty rockn from up here and worth, up to a point !!

some risk

ok -- what have I "learned"

first off, traditional viewpoints are traditional for a reason -- the boy/girl thing is old as time

and not something that anyone can just toss overboard, even though (personally)

I think it should be lost at sea -- but that is not going to happen anytime soon

since it is fairly solid deep down in the recesses of the subconscious, when you say "oh -- fuck this, I have a new way to do things"

you take some fairly big chances and the walls erected by the "masses" to keep out change are tall and thick and always being repaired whenever someone pushes against them

but -- to stay in tradition is to be stuck

and the things I have "learned" relate to finding the balance (best as one can) between traditional views of "masculinity"

and "thinking like a woman"

so, all that being said -- what have I "learned" that

. . . works

1) Men (for the most part) are in constant fear and this fear drives most of what they do; I didn't think this when I was 20; I do now at 61

fear is the fuel . . . and that is a bad well to keep tapping

2) If fear is in the driver's seat, what does that say about the ability of most men to "trust"?

it is not really a great indicator that trust is riding shot gun as men move from point to point along the (let me be) "masculine highway"

3) boys like to fuck

but (more importantly -- and telling) they don't enjoy rejection

if they are driven by fear, hamstrung by "trust issues" and motivated by sex, what does this tell us about how they think?

. . . it tells us that they want confirmation and can never really find it

since fear is in the driver's seat

but do they want to fuck "to cum", or to prove they are "powerful"?

Dr. Freud's on speed dial here . . . but I believe it is motivated far too often by a desire to "express power"

rather than a healthy desire for sex and "connection"

4) powerful women scare the fuck out of most men -- and they do everything in their power to turn the power meter DOWN

on women

why? please go back and review points 1, 2, and 3

and so -- the motivation is to control things so as to minimize fear and since women (in my opinion) are smarter than men (for the most part)

anything thought up, first, by a woman has to be "rejected" since it takes away from a man's sense of "dominance"

. . . and it does NOT appear as if they like this

‪#‎understatement‬

and no, I am not saying women are smarter because I am trying to suck up -- women like me already :)

I have seen evidence of this over and over and over for most of my life; in Elementary School, I was always (quite obviously) the smartest boy in my class, but not the smartest person

there were girls who were smarter but no boys; obviously not a random sample and not something we could use in a Gallup Poll

still . . . something -- and it continues to play out ever since

therefore (armed with this "knowledge"), a big part of my pursuit of "manhood" is to try and find the happy balance of being "manly" enough to get by

and tapping, somehow, into this "female power"

I have not always been successful but that is "the plan"

even if I was never really aware before that it "was" :)

so, in looking at an integration (imperfect as mine "is) of the male - female

what do we "have"

1) appreciating the power of women does not limit me; it actually has proven over and over to have been an asset to me

2) listening to women has given me an opportunity to understand them in some small way

and this "understanding" gives me a little extra power in knowing what they are likely to "do"

and, as such, makes me less inclined to try and "dominate them", since I can see domination simply will not work (long-term)

because (Please Review Point # 4 above: Women are Smarter)

3) Intuition -- yes, my "intuition" has certainly brought me some level of "fame" but has that helped me in the real world?

maybe; maybe not

but where it most definitely did help me occurred in the most male driven world there is (other than professional sports)

Corporate America

and there was NO WAY I could have been so successful, so quickly (with no "training") had I not been super intuitive (and pretty intelligent)

intuition was the hidden "extra gear" that allowed me to go from zero to $300,000 a year as a "technology executive"

even more hilarious since I am the least technical man in the universe

4) trusting in my intuition also has huge "health benefits"; there is a reason women live longer than men

and to some degree I am attempting to tap into this balance between female intuition and a healthy body

final point -- since I realize this is now like "War and Peace" in length

until you trust yourself, no woman will trust you either

and for too many men, this is where the "relationship train" derails

women have "trust issues", too -- another story for another time

but -- for me (and especially for me) trusting in the possibility of something "good" overrides the tendency to expect something bad

and that, more than ALL other things

is why unicorns like me and why my cup is 3/4 full at all times

I believe that I can reject some of the points of "traditional masculinity" and find something better

all the while maintaining some of the "outward trappings" of the "traditional male" so as not to incite the "change guardians"

to be on attack mode with me at all times

this is why I look like a Marine officer yet think more like a drag queen or some over-grown emo kid

I am "goth jock" and for many this is a weird combo -- they think I should be one or the other

but I believe true "power" comes

from walking along the line in the middle

and not getting "pushed off"

I look the part (primarily, a form of "protection") but I reject almost everything that comes with it

‪#‎glitterthefuckON‬

yep
​
‪#‎unicornPOWER‬