60 for 60

the only thing that ever slowed me down was being a parent -- and for that I put on the brakes a bit and moved into "polite society"

sort of

my life makes bad fiction, so many twists and turns

sub plots and characters moving in and out at the speed of sound -- a glamour boy neck deep in beautiful women, a suicidal recluse

60 to 60 (60  DAYS . . . until I move into a land I thought I would never see: 60 Years OLD)

On February 6th, I will hit the BIG 60 !!

and I am in a contemplative reflective mood and this morning feel like taking a bit of inventory of some of the things I may have "learned" over these past 59 5/6 years

things are different at 59 -- there's no other way to put it

when I was younger I was, perhaps, (at times) sort of a "handful"

a rebellious (although I didn't see myself that way at the time but holy fuck there's no doubt, looking back, that I spit at every restriction pointed my way) lad I was

and for those rebels in the family, you all know there is a price and a blessing that comes with this attitude

---

an artist, an athlete, a scholar, a magician

somebody who, due to his own internal wiring, self-destructed 
every time the Golden Goose came his way, who ruined relationships

because unconsciously he was fighting with his mother

not the optimal way to approach things

. . . a fat clumsy child who through an unbelievable 
drive to be anything OTHER than a fat adult

drove himself relentlessly until he became a highly competitive 
almost professional level athlete, always wondering 
what might have been had he started earlier

check that -- been ALLOWED to have started earlier

soooooo what are some of the lessons ??

---

first off: unconsciously fighting with your mother for years and years is never a good "plan"

yet had I been conscious of it, surely I would have seen the folly of my ways and changed it

only, of course, I had no idea

so cluster . . . continually sought out fuck

and found it

there are so many times in my past in which I am sure others saw me as insane -- and maybe I was

because I was driven by the voices and visions in my head . . . and the little devils could never just come right out and say what they wanted

they had to speak in code and leave little clues hidden all over and so my 20’s turned into a scavenger hunt for Jesus

when it should have kept right on rolling the way it started -- pretty boy sleeping through class and staying out all night picking up girls

I liked that “era”

---

but . . . all “gifts” come with a price

so after somehow morphing into jock glam boy I went straight, almost overnight, 
into gypsy scholar closet-alchemist mode

stealth mode

and that tilted the Earth 
onto a new Axis . . . and there was 
no chance to really 
ever be “normal” again

I am going to fast-forward a bit from 24 to 59 and instead of plotting out the million twists turns and train wrecks of that time, try to pick out a few highlights of things I may have learned that, looking back, have actually helped a bit

first off -- if your family is supportive and polite, great

love them and be thankful; if they want to control you though shaming you or calling you names

if they want to look down on you (because perhaps unconsciously they are jealous of what they see coming your way) or try to make you feel bad

 . . . in the “hope” this will “teach you a lesson”

FUCK ‘EM

don’t waste years trying to understand what their trip is; it is a waste of time

be nice, forgive but after 58 more incidents, all the same

there comes a time to turn the blinking lights off . . . and shut them out

until you do this, your life will be misery

as you will be driven to parade various story lines across the family stage in hopes of “acceptance”

this attitude is bad for you (although good for my own personal “job security” as “The Rock n Roll Psychic”)

---

if your wool is dipped in India Ink, wear it proudly

but give up worrying about why the other sheep all seem “brighter”

this is the biggest most important lesson there is and it goes down the “soul mates” are here to "twist you into a new path" line of thinking

honestly, though -- don’t waste 40 years worrying 
about why they think you’re strange

leave ‘em be and find people who “get you”

second major lesson: if you’re in a “relationship” and it all seems great and then a team of “interior decorators” show up

and I am talking about “interior decorators” for your mind

well if the sex is good hang around a few weeks while they draft out their plans but when they start knocking walls down and building “retaining walls” in your subconscious

just know they don’t have an architect on staff !!

 . . . and just like the Three Little Pigs on whom they model their behavior

their houses are made out of straw and sooner than later somebody is gonna huff and puff

and your house is gonna blow over

 . . . build a house out of bricks or keep moving on down the highway

but when the first little piggy shows up, all love light and blessings

and then he / she starts rearranging your internal plumbing

 . . . trust me, that’s always a bad sign

many of us stay because we think we don’t deserve any better . . . as to “why”, please scroll back to my earlier speech about “THE FAMILY”

and your “family” may not just be your parents and immediate “kin” but peer groups, co-workers, neighbors . . . anyone to whom you willingly give the keys to your self-worth

however back to the Three Little Pigs Give Dating Advice

if you need a relationship to “complete you”, it is pretty easy to predict your outcome: “you’re fucked”

because if you need this to make you whole there is a much better chance of being “less together” later on than there is of finding “wholeness”

be love and love will show up -- go out “looking for love” because something is missing within you and sure enough you will find a willing audience

to CONFIRM all the things you want help fixing

this is typically not the highlight of your day

. . . it is a rare bird who sticks around to fix things with you; if you find this angel, consider yourself blessed with the greatest of all gifts

because there is no greater

but the laws of probability are not on our side; fix yourself first

not so much because you’re way out of whack but, more likely, because you won’t value yourself enough to get out before things start breaking

this is also easier said than done and circles back once more to my earlier speech about “job security” as a psychic

and that, boys and girls, is the distilled wisdom of 59 years

because everything comes down to (a) tuning out those 
who would attempt to control how you “see yourself” 

and (b) valuing yourself in interpersonal relationships 
and not “allowing” someone to tear you down

---

because you feel, for whatever reason, you “need them”

there are compromises at every turn -- to make money and “get along” there are “shared responsibilities” and ways of moving through society that are essential

we all need to value the other person and treat them with respect and do our best

. . . but

most people’s “issues” stem from trying to win approval for stuff that has nothing to do with them

and “feeling bad” about it

. . . rather than examining the “root cause” and trying to move on, wiser but not bruised and battered

we all fuck up -- somewhere

find your silver lining and if there are a team of “experts” on your payroll whose only job is to catalogue black clouds

they need to be “replaced”

this is why I am different at 59 than 29, 39, or 49

---

I understand who to put on my “payroll”

when you learn that “lesson”, your life will get better

my hair may be gone, my hip may hurt, I may no longer be a pretty boy with 20 dates or have some of the financial perks of times past -- but even giving up all those things

my mind is clearer . . . I don’t waste it worrying about things out of my control

or stress about other people’s “trips”; I see things way more clearly now

and that is a pretty good 60th Birthday “Present”