and so putting the glitter down just for a second
I want to explore this hokey pokey balance between sensitive New Age guy and amped-up hyper testosterone-junkie badass . . . an interesting walk, indeed, along some ill-defined ledge
first off -- breaking stereotypes is always kind of "complicated" space in which to find one's self
since I look like one group and talk like another one . . . this often serves as a entry ticket towards alienating all groups but yet somehow I have found some way of slipping through this giant cognitive and rhetorical chasm
towards some semblance of magic
again, those who walk on slippery slopes are always at risk of falling off the cliff
but the view is pretty rockn from up here and worth, up to a point !!
ok -- what have I "learned"
first off, traditional viewpoints are traditional for a reason -- the boy/girl thing is old as time
and not something that anyone can just toss overboard, even though (personally)
I think it should be lost at sea -- but that is not going to happen anytime soon
since it is fairly solid deep down in the recesses of the subconscious, when you say "oh -- fuck this, I have a new way to do things"
you take some fairly big chances and the walls erected by the "masses" to keep out change are tall and thick and always being repaired whenever someone pushes against them
but -- to stay in tradition is to be stuck
and the things I have "learned" relate to finding the balance (best as one can) between traditional views of "masculinity"
and "thinking like a woman"
so, all that being said -- what have I "learned" that
. . . works
1) Men (for the most part) are in constant fear and this fear drives most of what they do; I didn't think this when I was 20; I do now at 61
fear is the fuel . . . and that is a bad well to keep tapping
2) If fear is in the driver's seat, what does that say about the ability of most men to "trust"?
it is not really a great indicator that trust is riding shot gun as men move from point to point along the (let me be) "masculine highway"
3) boys like to fuck
but (more importantly -- and telling) they don't enjoy rejection
if they are driven by fear, hamstrung by "trust issues" and motivated by sex, what does this tell us about how they think?
. . . it tells us that they want confirmation and can never really find it
since fear is in the driver's seat
but do they want to fuck "to cum", or to prove they are "powerful"?
Dr. Freud's on speed dial here . . . but I believe it is motivated far too often by a desire to "express power"
rather than a healthy desire for sex and "connection"
4) powerful women scare the fuck out of most men -- and they do everything in their power to turn the power meter DOWN
why? please go back and review points 1, 2, and 3
and so -- the motivation is to control things so as to minimize fear and since women (in my opinion) are smarter than men (for the most part)
anything thought up, first, by a woman has to be "rejected" since it takes away from a man's sense of "dominance"
. . . and it does NOT appear as if they like this
and no, I am not saying women are smarter because I am trying to suck up -- women like me already :)
I have seen evidence of this over and over and over for most of my life; in Elementary School, I was always (quite obviously) the smartest boy in my class, but not the smartest person
there were girls who were smarter but no boys; obviously not a random sample and not something we could use in a Gallup Poll
still . . . something -- and it continues to play out ever since
therefore (armed with this "knowledge"), a big part of my pursuit of "manhood" is to try and find the happy balance of being "manly" enough to get by
and tapping, somehow, into this "female power"
I have not always been successful but that is "the plan"
even if I was never really aware before that it "was" :)
so, in looking at an integration (imperfect as mine "is) of the male - female
what do we "have"
1) appreciating the power of women does not limit me; it actually has proven over and over to have been an asset to me
2) listening to women has given me an opportunity to understand them in some small way
and this "understanding" gives me a little extra power in knowing what they are likely to "do"
and, as such, makes me less inclined to try and "dominate them", since I can see domination simply will not work (long-term)
because (Please Review Point # 4 above: Women are Smarter)
3) Intuition -- yes, my "intuition" has certainly brought me some level of "fame" but has that helped me in the real world?
maybe; maybe not
but where it most definitely did help me occurred in the most male driven world there is (other than professional sports)
and there was NO WAY I could have been so successful, so quickly (with no "training") had I not been super intuitive (and pretty intelligent)
intuition was the hidden "extra gear" that allowed me to go from zero to $300,000 a year as a "technology executive"
even more hilarious since I am the least technical man in the universe
4) trusting in my intuition also has huge "health benefits"; there is a reason women live longer than men
and to some degree I am attempting to tap into this balance between female intuition and a healthy body
final point -- since I realize this is now like "War and Peace" in length
until you trust yourself, no woman will trust you either
and for too many men, this is where the "relationship train" derails
women have "trust issues", too -- another story for another time
but -- for me (and especially for me) trusting in the possibility of something "good" overrides the tendency to expect something bad
and that, more than ALL other things
is why unicorns like me and why my cup is 3/4 full at all times
I believe that I can reject some of the points of "traditional masculinity" and find something better
all the while maintaining some of the "outward trappings" of the "traditional male" so as not to incite the "change guardians"
to be on attack mode with me at all times
this is why I look like a Marine officer yet think more like a drag queen or some over-grown emo kid
I am "goth jock" and for many this is a weird combo -- they think I should be one or the other
but I believe true "power" comes
from walking along the line in the middle
and not getting "pushed off"
I look the part (primarily, a form of "protection") but I reject almost everything that comes with it